Saturday, April 19, 2014

Happy Easter, Massholes!

In honor of Easter, here's a video of Tom Brady teaching the Easter bunny how to do a touchdown celebration....and getting pissed off.

FINAL: Red Wings 1 Bruins 0

Fuck it.  Its only game one.

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GIF: The Bruins Were This Friggin Close.

The Red Wings scored their only goal on the ensuing rush after this near goal. So, if the Bruins had scored here, it would have been 1-0 and the Red Wings would not have scored. And if my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle.

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GIF: I Think Milan Lucic Was Just A Little Frustrated. He Gave Danny DeKeyser A Nasty Crotch Shot.

Milan Lucic Crotch Shot

Jesus H Christ, what was Milan Lucic thinking?  I understand frustration was high, but the dude has to keep a level head.

Danny Dekeyser's taint is going to be bruised for a long time and the league is not going to like that at all, so expect the fine to be rather hefty.  And the backlash from all the Bruins haters is going to be nauseating.  Get ready.

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Friday, April 18, 2014

And The First Sucky Fan Video Of The Bruins Red Wings Series Is Courtesy Of Some Wicked Lame Rapper Named "Baby G."

This dude calls himself "Baby G" and this song is called "Throw Your Wings Up (Octopi 2014 Edition)" and it sucks. I hope Baby G hasnt quit his day job.

Friday Is Finally Here

A lot of Bruins fans are scared of the Red Wings and honestly, I have no friggin idea why.

The reality is, the Bruins have the deepest team in the NHL, the best goalie, the best head coach, the most experience of any team and they have the "let's win it for Iggy" thing going.

They arent a one dimensional team relying on some wonderboy to take them to the promised land (like the Penguins). Fans should feel good about that fact and they should have a ton of confidence going into this thing.

The fact is, the Bruins are the only true elite team in the Eastern Conference and other teams should be scared of them.

And let's be serious, with the realignment, the Red Wings are no longer in a Mickey Mouse division and in the end, they finished as the lowest possible seed in the Eastern Conference seeding (they had the least amount of wins and tied for the least amount of points).  Fuck them.  This isnt their playoffs.

So, other than their cool uniforms and inflated legacy from playing in such a weak assed division all those years, what are they? They are the lowest seed playing against a team with five 20 goal scorers that rolls out four lines every night and has the best goalie in the NHL between the pipes.  The Red Wings and their fans should be scared shitless right now.

My official prediction: Bruins in 5.

And before people start bitching about how the Red Wings beat the Bruins three times this year, remember the Bruins didnt beat the Penguins once in the regular season last year and we all know what happened in the Eastern Conference Finals.

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This Needs To Be Made Into A Poster And Placed All Over Boston. Now.

Holy Shit, This "Calm Before The Storm" Video Literally Has My Heart Racing Right Now. 7:30 Cant Get Here Fast Enough.

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VIDEO: Here Are All 30 Of Patrice Bergeron's Goal From This Season In 3 Minutes.

FINAL: Red Sox 3 White Sox 1

Thank God for Jon Lester. White Sox starter Chris Sale was pitching his balls off too, going 7 innings and allowing one run with 10 strikeouts, and Lester kept the Red Sox in this game.

He ended their three game losing streak too, like the ace of the pitching staff is supposed to do.  The Red Sox front office has to get their heads out of their asses and sign this guy.

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So, Apparently I Broke Up Jon Lester's No Hitter Last Night

Going into the sixth inning, Jon Lester had a perfect game going and I just couldnt help myself. I had to spread the word. Needless to say, the perfect game, the no hitter and the shutout were gone within minutes of this tweet...and then the floodgates opened.

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AUDIO: Old Friend Jonathan Papelbon Got His Fourth Save Of The Season Last Night, Then Literally Farted At Reporters.

The following is audio of Jonathan Papelbon answering reporters' questions. At the 23 second mark, is audio of Jonathan Papelbon farting at said reporters. Well played.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Xander Bogaerts Tweeted A Picture Of Some Lady In A Thong Last Night Then Proceeded To Shut Down His Twitter Account. Okay Then.

Last night (or should I say early this morning), the Red Sox beat the White Sox in a 14 inning marathon game that lasted five hours and seventeen minutes.

After the game, Xander Bogaerts tweeted this picture:

Rather than just delete the tweet, he deleted his entire Twitter account (@XanderBogaerts is now just a page that says "sorry, that page doesnt exist).

I guess that was the responsible thing to do.  Especially considering Tyler Seguin got dumped into hockey purgatory for doing stupid, immature shit and Tim Thomas basically got run out of town for being irresponsible on social media.

That's too bad though.  I was looking forward to his next tweet.

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This Hockey Night In Canada Stanley Cup Playoffs Montage Has Me All Fuckin Fired Up. I Cannot Wait For Friday Night.

The NHL playoffs are unlike any other playoffs in professional sports, they really are. Its an absolute marathon and every series is a battle. This video has me all friggin fired up for Friday night.

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Here's Another "I Am So Fuckin Pumped For The Playoffs" Video To Get You Warmed Up For Tomorrow Night.

VIDEO: Dennis Seidenberg Is Skating Today And He Doesnt Look As Crippled As Claude Julien Makes Him Sound.

This is video of Dennis Seidenberg skating at Bruins practice this morning (4/17). Im not a professional scout and Im not a doctor...but this dude isnt skating like a guy who is, as Claude Julien says, "not even close."

(video via WEEI)

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The Latest Poll Results Are In....

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FINAL: Wizards 118 Celtics 102

Technically, the Celtics finished with the same record as the Utah Jazz and they each will have a 10.4% chance of winning the NBA Draft Lottery.  The only teams that will have a better chance are the Magic (15.6% chance), the76ers (19.9% chance) and the Bucs (25% chance).

Their goal was to get a high draft pick and they will.  The worst they can do is pick 8th.  All in all, Id say this season was a success. 

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GIF: Some Loser Took A Selfie During A Scrum At The Canadiens Lightning Game.

Arent we, as a society, done with selfies?

Because I Havent Shat On Sidney Crosby In A While

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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

EA Sports Predicts The Bruins Will Win The Stanley Cup This Year. Dont Get Excited. They're Full Of Shit And Have Been Wrong Five Years In A Row.

The President Trophy winning Boston Bruins return to the Stanley Cup Finals for their second straight year. This time though, they manage to lift their second Cup in four years, disposing of the San Jose Sharks in six games. 

Boston Bruins goaltender Tuukka Rask wins the Conn Smythe Trophy finishing the playoffs with an outstanding 1.56 GAA, .948 SV% and four shutouts. Jarome Iginla wins his first Stanley Cup, after previously reaching the finals a decade prior with the Calgary Flames!

These EA Sports simulations are the kiss of death.  Im telling you, they are the new SI Jinx.  I wish they would stop doing them.  All they do is piss people off.

For the record, here are their predictions from the past five years (with the eventual winner in parenthesis):

2009: Bruins (Penguins)
2010: Penguins (Blackhawks)
2011: Canucks (Bruins)
2012: Rangers (Kings)
2013: Blues (Blackhawks)

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This Is The Cover Of Sports Illustrated This Week.

And this was the cover of Sports Illustrated a year ago:

Damn, this city has been through a lot this year.

I'm still waiting for Rolling Stone's one year anniversary cover.  Remember, last year they put one of the bombers on the cover and glorified the piece of shit...but I digress.

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Not Only Did The Red Sox Lose Last Night, Mike Napoli Left The Game With A Dislocated Finger.

From ESPN:
The ring finger on Napoli's left hand was sticking out at an unnatural angle after he dove headfirst into second base while advancing on a wild pitch in the ninth inning against the Chicago White Sox.

The finger was dislocated, the Red Sox said, and reset by a White Sox team doctor. Napoli wore a splint on the finger as he spoke with reporters. "It's not broke," he said. "I can play with some soreness. I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow."

If he misses any time, this team is screwed.

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FINAL: White Sox 2 Red Sox 1

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GIF: This Is The Exact Moment Mike Napoli Realized His Finger Was Fucked Up

Mike Napoli Dislocated Finger

I guess we can call this his "awe shit" moment.  The official word from the Red Sox is that he is day-to-day, for what it's worth.

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PHOTO: The White Sox Wore "B Strong" Shirts Before The Game Last Night

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This Headline Made Me Laugh...Hard.

So, I guess we're stuck with a bullshit system that is so flawed managers are getting ejected nightly.  January 2015 can't get here fast enough (that's when Bud Selig will formally retire).

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

REPORT: Some Fucktard Left 2 Backpacks At The Boston Marathon Finish Line Tonight...On The Anniversary Of The Attacks. WTF.

via @BogsWBZ

The area near the finish line of the Boston Marathon was evacuated Tuesday night after two unattended backpacks were left at the finish line.

Police tape has been put up around the photo bridge on Boylston Street.  WBZ-TV photographers on scene say they saw a person with the backpack screaming “Boston Strong” before police cleared everyone from the area.

What the fuck is wrong with people?  I mean, what the fuck is wrong with people?  While most of us mourned today and reflected on the lives lost and affected last year, this scumfuck came up with the idea to place two bags at the very location of the tragedy.  What the fuck?

The bomb squard is on the scene:

via @SullyBunz

And here's the raw video of the fucktard (he is reportedly in police custody):

I dont know if this was a sick prank or just some asshole trying to bust balls.  Either way, this dude needs to be arrested...and then slapped upside the fucking head repeatedly.

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VIDEO: In A Speech Today Joe Biden Told A Crowd Of Bostonians "Even Though I’m Not A Boston [Red Sox] Fan, I Love You Guys." Um...Okay.

Listen at the 6:31 mark when Vice President Joe Biden tells a crowd of Bostonians that he isnt a Red Sox fan then goes on to say that where he came from, if you were a Red Sox fan you got "the living hell kicked out of you."

Um...nobody asked.  Other than that unnecessary bit of information, it was a pretty good speech.

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It Was One Year Ago Today.

Today is a day of reflection. Think of the victims...and remember all the heroes. And try not to get pissed off all over again.  It's hard.  Believe me, when I relive those imagines in my mind, I want to throw shit at the wall and scream, "why did they fuck with us?"

When I feel like I might lose it, I take a deep breath and just repeat these two words:

VIDEO: Here's The National Anthem From The First Bruins Game After The Boston Marathon Bombings. Chills.

We may be be massholes--we may cut each other off without using our blinkers and we may make faces when you're ordering too slowly in the Dunkin Donuts line--but on that day, in that moment, we were one big masshole.  And it was pretty awesome.

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VIDEO: Here Are The Bruins Top Ten Goals From This Season...Complete With Jack Edwards Sportsgasms.

I must say, my favorite Jack Edwards sportsgasm comes at the 1:43 mark when he says, "someone please get Anderson's jock. Its hanging from the rafters. Patrice Bergeron undresses him and its 3-0!"

VIDEO: And Here Are All 30 Of Jarome Iginla's Goals From This Season...Because Im Jonesing For Some Hockey Right Now.