Because Yesterday Was A Slow Sports Day

The Bruins, Celtics and Patriots were all off last night.  Monday night football sucked. So I did what every sports fan does when there is nothing on.  I spent the night trolling the internet.  Here are the highlights of my night of internet trolling:


Watch the band GWAR destroy Sarah Palin on stage:






Some dude hacked the Xbox motion control device and somehow hooked it up to his Nintendo. Watch him play Super Mario Bros using his Xbox motion control. Pretty cool.







The official Cookie Monster Saturday Night Live audition tape. Seriously. This was uploaded by Sesame Street. And they want Cookie Monster to host SNL.






Have you ever seen a fat guy on crack rolling around on the street? Click play and culture yourself:

Who The Frig Schedules A Hockey Game On A Sunday Afternoon In November?

Why the frig would the NHL schedule a game on a Sunday afternoon during football season. Oh, you didnt know? The Bruins are playing the Atlanta Thrashers this afternoon.

Yea, I didnt know either. I got sucked into the Eagles / Bears game and realized a little too late.

Even a dummy like me knows that the NHL cant compete with the NFL in terms of ratings. Hell, NO ONE can compete with the NFL when it comes to tv ratings these days.

And you wonder why the NHL is dying a slow death. Ugg.

VIDEO: Andre Johnson / Cortland Finnegan Fight Video

In a rare NFL fight, watch Cortland Finnegan gets his arse whipped by Andre Johnson. Cortland Finnegan is known as a dirty player, so dont feel bad for the dude.

If you dont know who either of these dudes are, just sit back and enjoy a good fight. And remember, the dude who gets his arse whipped deserved it.

A Message For The Boston Bruins

After todays 3-0 loss to the Carolina Hurricanes, I just have one message for the Bruins:

Tom Brady Calls Welker and Branch “Patriots kind of guys” who “do whatever you ask.” Somewhere Randy Moss’ Ears Are Ringing

After yesterdays win against the Lions, Tom Brady was asked about Wes Welker and Deion Branch, who each had two touchdowns.

Brady said, "They’re everything you look for smart, tough. Patriots kind of guys, do whatever you ask.”

Brady didn’t stop there. He went on to say that Welker and Branch are “in the mold of the Troy Browns and David Pattens and the David Givens. Just spectacular players.”

Have you EVER heard Tom Brady refer to Randy Moss as a Patriots kind of guy? Did Tom Brady ever say that Randy Moss did whatever it took? No.

Tom Bradys go-to cliché when asked about Randy Moss was typically something like “Randys a special player” or “Randy is a future Hall Of Famer.”

There was a small minority of Patriots fans who thought that the Patriots would be a better team WITHOUT Randy Moss. They were called crazy. They were called stupid. Well, they were right.

They’ve gone back to the Patriots model of 2001-2004. They have relatively unknowns playing like world beaters.  And that has Tom Brady getting nostalgic and mentioning names like Troy Brown, David Pattens and David Givens in post game press conferences.

I Cant Believe Someone Did This

Oh, you’ve never heard of the turDunkin? It is a turkey brined in Dunkin’ Donuts coolattas, stuffed with munchkins and served with coffee gravy and mashed hash browns.

There’s a website called Unwholesomefoods that gives you a detailed recipe for how to make it. Don’t those people know that the rest of the world can visit their website…and probably don’t realize it’s tongue-in-cheek? And you wonder why the rest of the world hates Americans.

Will Derek Jeter Be In A Red Sox Uniform For His 3000th Hit ?

The New York Post sports page today has a picture of Derek Jeter in a Red Sox uniform and quotes Brian Cashman telling Derek Jeter to shop around huh?

Interesting stuff.  Especially considering Jeter is only 74 hits away from 3000 hits for his career.

And did I mention that no Yankee has ever reached 3000 hits? The Yankees career leader in hits is Lou Gehrig with 2,721 hits.

How sweet would it be to see Derek Jeter, the face of the Yankees for the past decade, come to the Red Sox and get his 3000th hit in a Red Sox uniform.

That wouldn’t necessarily heal the pain of seeing Wade Boggs leave the Red Sox to win a World Series with the Yankees or seeing Roger Clemens leave the Red Sox to eventually ending up in New York as a World Series champion.


But it would be pretty damn sweet.  Not to mention the fact that it would be GREAT for NESNs ratings.

Derek Jeter getting his 3000th hit as a member of the Red Sox would probably break ratings records over at  NESN.

Jeters number are very similar to current Red Sox short stop Marco Scutaro.  Jeter batted .270 with 10 home runs and 67 RBI in 2010 while Marco Scutaro batted .275 with 11 homeruns and 56 RBI.

So he wouldnt be much of an upgrade statistically.  But wouldn’t it be worth the extra $10 million a year in salary to to see the face of the Yankees achieve his biggest career milestone as a member of the Red Sox.




other Masshole Sports articles:

PHOTO: Derek Jeter Red Sox Baseball Card

Red Sox Players Wives: The Hot And The Mediocre (PHOTOS)

Yankees Lose Patriarch, Baseball Loses Spoiled Brat Owner: George Steinbrenner 1930-2010

It Only Costs $25 Grand To Punch Roethlisberger In The Face. Get Your Checkbooks Out!

The NFL issued a fine of $25,000 to Richard Seymour for punching Ben Roethlisberger in the face.

No word yet on how many Patriots fans have lined up outside of Heinze Field with their checkbooks in hand.

Oh, you havent seen the video of Richard Seymour punching Ben Roethlisberger in the face? Enjoy:

Scott Boras Has Always Been A Scumbag...Now We Learn He's Corrupt Too!!!

If nothing else, Scott Boras should be banned from baseball for the Dice K contract.

Now we learn that Boras was giving loans to poor Dominican prospects then demanding that they sign with his company?

What a friggin scumbag. The million dollar question is: will MLB and/or the players union issue some sort of sanctions or punishment for this blatant extortion.

We always knew Scott Boras was a super agent, a capitalist (the worst kind...a greedy one) and generally unliked guy but now we know that he is also corrupt?  I honestly thought he couldnt achieve any lower level of scumbagness.

It should be interesting to see if players start dropping him as an agent over this scandal or if they just look away.  Considering the culture of Major League Baseball, they will simply pretend this never happened.

Stay tuned….

So Typical...Peyton Manning Gets The Stats, Tom Brady Gets The Win

Yesterdays game was a microcosm of the Brady vs. Manning debate.

Peyton Manning had great numbers (38-for-52, 396 yards, 4 touchdowns) and the Colts loss. Tom Brady had decent numbers (19-for-25, 186 yards, 2 touchdowns) and the Patriots won.

Manning had better stats, Brady got the win. That pretty much sums it up.

Im not going to compare the career accomplishments of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. But I’ll tell you this: when Peyton Mannings career is over, he will be known as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL (statistically). When Tom Bradys career is over, he will have a resume of championships and team accomplishments that puts him in a class all his own. Well, maybe with Joe Montana.

Peyton Manning Takes Blame For Loss. Says “I put our team in a hole"

After throwing three interceptions yesterday, Peyton Manning said after the game: "When you make mistakes, like I made tonight, it's usually hard to overcome and win. We had a chance, but I put our team in a hole.”

In honor of Peyton Mannings sinking feeling, I present to you “Down In A Hole” by Alice In Chains:

Reggie Wayne Thinks Colts Are "Chasing" Patriots. Um...No Der.

After losing to the Patriots 31-28, Colts wide receiver said:

"They won numerous Super Bowls, we're trying to win numerous. I believe, I don't want to speak for everybody, but me personally I feel like we're kind of chasing them a little bit."

No der.

Is he JUST realizing his? Wow, he has finally seen the light. I wonder if these morons who are keeping the "is Peyton Manning better than Tom Brady" debate alive will have this epiphany anytime soon.

Bury it. Reggie Wayne has.

(VIDEO) Richard Seymour Punches Ben Roethlisberger In The Face

What a Sunday. We got to see the Patriots beat the Colts and we got to see former Patriot Richard Seymour punch Ben Roethlisberger in the face.

Watch as Roethlisberger walks towards Richard Seymour, starts talking trash, gets punched in the face, then proceeds to fall to the ground like a ton of bricks.

Bonus: the trainer checks out Roethlisbergers jaw after the punch. Priceless.

Manning Face (sung to Lady Gagas Pokerface)

We all hate Peyton Manning around here. And its not the Derek Jeter type of hatred where you hate him but respect him at the same time. Most people in New England genuinely hate Peyton Manning.

Its the constant comparison to Tom Brady that fuels this hatred. Along with those annoying expressions he makes anytime he fails.  You know the Peyton Manning face Im talking about.

Anytime his offensive line lets him down or one of his receivers gets breathed on, he throws his arms in the air and makes the god ugly face.

Fitzy sums it up perfectly in this youtube video:



video courtesy of Fitzy's youtube channel.


related Masshole Sports articles:

Peyton Manning Says He Would Never Grow Hair Out Like Tom Brady

Reggie Wayne Thinks Colts Are "Chasing" Patriots. Um...No Der

New England Patriots 2012 Nike Uniform Leak Was A Hoax...Thank God!

Nike is designing the NFL uniforms beginning in 2012 and images of Nikes designs were allegedly leaked Friday.  Well it turns out it was all an elaborate hoax (or a clever marketing campaign).

Below is the (fake) leaked New England Patriots 2012 uniforms.

They are being referred to as "Nike Pro Combat New England Patriots Uniforms" and the prototype looks more like a Captain America Halloween costume than a football uniform.

Thankfully this isnt going to be their uniform. 

Captain America

other Masshole Sports articles:

• Vince Wilfork Wears Spongebob Squarepants Shirt During Press Conference
• Peyton Manning Says He Would Never Grow Hair Out Like Tom Brady
• Patriots Make Dolphins Look Like A Bunch Of Little Bitches...Clinch BEST Record In NFL With Win

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PHOTO: Milan Lucic Wearing Al Capone Type Fedora Hat

So last week, Paul Pierce was wearing Steve Urkel glasses during his post game press conference. Last night, Milan Lucic was wearing a fedora type hat during his post game press conference.

Maybe the Bruins and Celtics should consider altering their dress codes.

Is it me or does Milan Lucic look like something out of the Al Capone Era?

Tom Brady On "This Week In Unnecessary Censorship"

Tom Brady has officially transcended football and is now a celebrity. He made it onto Jimmy Kimmels "This Week In Unnecessary Censorship."

Enjoy:

"Cowboys and Aliens" Official Movie Trailer

The movie Cowboys and Aliens hasn’t even come out yet and I am going on the record as saying that this two minute trailer is better than any movie Ive seen this year.

I am convinced that this is going to be the greatest movie of all time and will break box office records.

It is a hybrid of the two best genres of movies--westerns and alien flicks. When you combine the two and throw Harrison Ford into the mix what do you get? Pure awesomeness.

How The Frig Did This Happen? Celtics vs Wizards Game Was Highest Rated Regular Season Game EVER

Why the frig was the Celtics Wizards game the highest rated regular season game in CSN history? Someone has to explain this one to me.

From the Celtics official twitter page:

Maybe it’s a typo or something.

Peyton Manning Says He Would Never Grow Hair Out Like Tom Brady

According to ESPN.com: On an NFL conference call Wednesday, Peyton Manning was asked if he'd ever consider growing his hair longer like Tom Brady. Manning replied, "Oh, no. I pretty much have had the same haircut for the past 32 years."

THANK GOD!

related Masshole Sports articles:

Manning Face (sung to Lady Gagas Pokerface)

Reggie Wayne Thinks Colts Are "Chasing" Patriots. Um...No Der

Shaq Sees “Gino Time” For The First Time Ever At Last Nights Celtics Game And Laughs Hysterically

Watch Shaquille O’Neal’s reaction to seeing Gino dance for the first time. Remember, they only play the video of Gino dancing late in the game if the Celtics are winning by A LOT, so he’s never seen him before.

Priceless.

Hey Red Sox Fans, Get Ready For The Junior Varsity Team in 2011. Theo Says Kalish, Lowrie and Salty Will Probably Start

Looks like those high ticket prices at Fenway Park wont translate into premium on-field talent.

Theo Epstein has gone on record as saying, "We’re not going to have high-profile solutions to all our needs.”

Epstein told WEEI that Jarrod Saltalamacchia could be an “everyday guy" and hinted that Jed Lowrie may be the starting third baseman and Ryan Kalish may be an everyday outfielder for this team.

Epstein also said, "At some point you need to give a chance to young players, let them build value. Jarrod Saltalamacchia is one of those guys. Jed Lowrie is potentially another, Ryan Kalish is potentially another. 

Try selling those apples to a fan base who pays top dollar to come to Fenway Park. I just don’t see people paying big bucks to come to Fenway Park to see the amazing talents of Ryan Kalish, Jarrod Saltalamacchia or Jed Lowrie.

Don’t get me wrong, from a baseball operations perspective; this makes all the sense in the world—develop from within and fill the gaps with free agents.

But people don’t pay to see cheap players with “potential.”  People pay to see high profile talent with name recognition. I mean, do you think anyone would have paid to see the movie Jerry McGuire if they casted cheap actors with “potential” instead of Tom Cruise, Cuba Gooding Jr., Renée Zellweger?

And you thought NESN’s rating were poor last season?   You aint seen nothin yet.  Before the 2010 season, Theo Epstein let Jason Bay walk away and signed one high profile free agent (John Lackey.)  NESNs rating took a huge hit.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see NESNs ratings on par with public access television in 2011.  Stay tuned....

Because Yesterday Was A Slow Sports Day

You know how this works. When there is a slow sports day, I spend my night trolling the internet to fill the void.

Here are some of the best clips I found last night:

Woman gets robbed and says “I thought about doing ninja stuff to him but I thought ‘no, he’s faster than I am,’ so I more or less just sat there on the lid.”





Dennys Gets DESTROYED During Fight. They threw friggin everything--chairs, plates, salt shakers. Wow.





Woman pisses on floor of cell phone store in Beverly, Massachusetts. The only thing grosser than that is touching the piss and smelling it. What? Her husband does that? Fucking gross.

Terrell Suggs Compares Patriots To Teen Flick “Bring It On." Calls Patriots Titles "Fake."

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs was on a tv show called “1 Winning Drive” and was asked about the Patriots win over the Steelers.

Suggs replied: "I was thinking last night like, you know, if the Patriots were a movie, they would be “Bring It On.” The Rancho [Carne High School], the cheerleaders, they’d be like ‘Yeah, they’re a good team, but their championships are fake.’”

That only means one thing. Terrell Suggs has seen the movie “Bring It On.” How embarrassing.

Tom Bradys Hair Beats Desperate Housewives, The Amazing Race, The Simpsons and Family Guy In Ratings Sunday Night

Looks like America was more interested in Tom Bradys locks than a bunch of promiscuous cougars, yellow people and a dysfunctional family from Rhode Island last night.

At 8pm last night, the Patriots Steelers game had an audience of 18.09 million, beating their closest competition by about 8 million (The Amazing Race had 10.54).

At 9pm last night, the Patriots Steelers game drew 19.50 million viewers while Desperate Housewives drew 11.78 million viewers.

Pittsburgh Sports Writer STILL Talking About Spygate

Some people know how to hold a grudge.

Joe Starkey of the Pittsburgh Tribune Review wrote yesterday about Spygate. Yesterday.

He starts his article by saying “Hate to raise a sore subject.”

He should have started his article by saying “Im going to write about old news.” But if he did that no one would have read more than the first two sentences or so.

I remind you, Joe Starkey isn’t some anonymous blogger writing garbage to try and fire up the Neanderthals in Pittsburgh. He is a journalist writing for a newspaper. There is a difference.

And if the editor of the Pittsburgh Tribune Review had done his job, this garbage would be in the trash where it belongs.

In the article, he says “The subject is particularly sore for Steelers fans who believe their team was robbed of Super Bowl trips in 2001 and/or 2004.”

Six years ago? Really? They are still bitching about six years ago? They’ve won a Super Bowl since. Spygate shouldn’t be on Steelers fans minds. And if it is, that’s just sad.

“NESN Daily” About To Get A Thousand Times Better: Uri Berenguer Pulled From Show

After three months of awkward laughs, forced banter and a weird voice (not sure if it’s a result of a speech impediment or over sized tongue) NESN has finally seen the light.

Uri Berenguer has been pulled from NESN Daily. Jade McCarthy will be going it solo from now on. Seems like the honchos over at NESN would rather see Jade McCarthy working with an empty chair than Uri Berenguer….and I have to agree with them.

No word on who will replace Uri or if he will be replaced at all.

Let me do NESNs work for them. Heres my short list of Boston sports talk personalities who are out of work or working somewhere is purgatory:

Butch Stearns
Bob Lobel
Pete Sheppard

Paul Pierce Slams Lebron James On Twitter

Paul Pierce took a shot at Lebron James on twitter last night after the Celtics dominating win against the Heat. Paul Pierce tweeted:

OUCH!!!