New Bruin Greg Zanon Found Out He Was Traded Via Twitter...And Reacted Like A Teenager

Not only did he find out via twitter that he had been traded, the dude talks like a 16 year old girl, using terms like “all of a sudden,” “shut up” and “I was like.”

Here is the story, via ESPNBoston:

"All of a sudden my wife comes down and [says], 'You've been traded!'" Zanon recalled Wednesday.

"I'm like, 'Shut up, no I haven't. Who told you that?'"

"My sister said it's all over Twitter!" she responded.

“Two seconds later, [Wild general manager] Chuck [Fletcher] called and said, 'You've been traded, I wanted to let you know before you found out on Twitter.'

I was like, 'Too late.'"

REPORT: Lamar Odom Seeking Buyout From Mavs, Wants To Play For Celtics Or Nets. I Shit You Not.

This is not a joke. Hoops Authority is reporting that Lamar Odom is seeking a buyout from the Dallas Mavericks and has told management that he wants to play for the Celtics or Nets.

Lamar Odom would be a good fit for the Celtics. They need a big man and the dude just isnt fitting in in Dallas. So they could get him for pennies on the dollar.

But would Ugly Kardashian be a good fit for Boston?  I mean, Tom Brady gets ripped to shit whenever Gisele opens her mouth. Imagine if Odom does come here and is a flop?  Celtics fans would tear Ugly Kardasian to friggin pieces.

What The Frig Was That?

The Senators brought an eight game losing streak into that game last night. To put it bluntly, they suck right now. Yet they shut out the Bruins 1-0. Even a half ass effort would have won the Bruins that game. But for some reason, they just didnt show up.

Brian Rolston and Mike Mottau were supposed to provide a spark. But nope. I feel bad for the people who bought a ticket to that game. The Bruins have a bad habit of taking nights off and they took last night off. The Bruins basically took the month of February off. This was the fifth time this month theyve been shut out. Fuck you February.

After Talking Shit, Joe Corvo Gets Limp Dick And Doesnt Fight Kyle Turri.

Joe Corvo was a friggin embarrassment tonight. The dude had some pretty harsh words for Kyle Turris--literally saying that he was going to fight him--but when push came to shove, he got limp dick.

Allegedly, Senator forward Colin Greening told Corvo that Turris wouldnt fight.  But you still have to stir the pot. You can mix things up a bit without fighting. When I see Joe Corvo, I see Hal Gill + Dennis Wideman. Neither deserved to wear the spoked B and Corvo proved last night that neither does he.

The dude's a friggin embarrassing to the team and this city. Let me say this clearly:  Joe Corvo isnt a Bruin.

If Bruins Really Want To Send Message To Brendan Shanahan, They Should Sic Adam McQuaid On Kyle Turris Tonight

No offense to Joe Corvo, but the dude isn’t a fighter. Corvo only has one fight on the season and it wasnt very impressive. If the Bruins really want to send a message to Brendan Shanahan and let him know that he fucked up by not suspended Kyle Turris, Adam McQuaid should be the guy dropping the gloves.

Remember when Raffi Torres elbowed Andrew Ference in the face? About .03 seconds after the hit, McQuaid fought Torres and the dude ended up with a bloody face.

Adam McQuaid fights Raffi Torres after Torres elbows Ference

I want to be clear about this. Whatever happens tonight will not be blood thirsty revenge--no one want to see "thuggery" in the NHL. However, it will be vigilante justice. And it will be brought on by the lack of policing by Brendan Shanahan. So enjoy the beating tonight Kyle Turris, courtesty of Brendan Shanahan.

Jason Varitek To Retire On Thursday. Please, Tip A Dunkins In His Memory

There are reports that Jason Varitek will announce his retirement on Thursday and take a job within the Red Sox organization. No word on what exactly the job will be.

I could write a 2,000 word article on Varitek but I don’t do that kinda stuff. Leave that for the Globe, Herald and NESN.

Instead, here’s the infamous video of Jason Varitek punching Arod in the face. THANK YOU JASON VARITEK.

Goodbye Jason Varitek, Old Friend

Forget the bronze face, this is what Jason Varitek's Hall Of Fame plaque should look like:

Joe Corvo On Kyle Turris: “I’ll be looking for him right off the bat [Tuesday].” AWE SHIT, KID!

Joe Corvo is saying exactly what Bruins fans are thinking.

From Joe Haggerty of CSNNE:

“Let’s just say I’ll be looking for him right off the bat,” said Corvo. “I’m not [happy]. Two days I’ve been walking around with a headache.

“In my opinion he saw my numbers and took the opportunity to seek revenge for the game prior when we were at home. Hopefully he’s a man and he’ll step up tomorrow when I come after him. I’m not going to try and hurt him, but I want to fight him.”

So Turris is going to get repeatedly punched in the face on Tuesday night. I wonder if he's called Shanahan and asked to be suspended yet. I mean, seriously the dude better tell his coach that he has a stomache ache or something otherwise he’s going to get the ass whipping of his life Tuesday night.

Corvo was friggin humiliated on Saturday night so this probably wont be a half-assed bout. Corvo is going be fighting pissed off. And Corvo believes that the headshot was retaliation for his big hit on Turris January 31st at the Garden (as yours truly speculated yesterday.)

Anyway, enough self ball washing. Kudos to Corvo for basically giving a middle finger to Brendan Shanahan and saying, no shouting that he will take matters into his own hands. Any sort of injury, mutilation or blood bath on Tuesday is a direct result of Shanahan not doing his job. I hope his bosses are paying attention.

Beckett Claims He Didn’t Know Clubhouse Issues Were Public Until November, Yet Gave Statement In October. What A Friggin Fraud.

Josh Beckett is claiming that he didn't know that the fried chicken and beer story was public until November because he was at his “Internet-less Texas ranch.”

Yet he issued this statement to the media on October 19th:

“I cannot let this allegation go without response; enough is enough. I admit that I made mistakes along the way this season, but this has gone too far. To say that we drank in the dugout during the game is not true.’’

Either the dude is a lying sack of shit or the Red Sox are a farce and a massive PR machine...and we are all just pawns on their chess board.

(VIDEO) Jack Edwards Mocks Jason Spezza With Voice Ive Never Heard A Grown Man Make

Does anyone have more fun than Jack Edwards? After Spezza dove Saturday night, Jack Edwards mocks him in a voice Ive never heard a grown man make. Listen for it at the :23 second mark...and the notice the awkward silence after.

Proof Kyle Turris' Headshot On Joe Corvo Was Intentional And Brendan Shanahan Is An Incompetent Bastid.

Kyle Turris clearly left his feet and aimed for Joe Corvo's head on Saturday night. It turns out Turris will not be  suspended and my mind is friggin blown. If you want to see it again, here's video of the headshot:

Shanahan's reason for not suspending Turris was that "the head was not targeted intentionally." Well,  heres an interesting twist. Back on January 31st, Joe Corvo drilled Kyle Turris with a CLEAN hit when the Senators were at the Garden.

Joe Corvo drills Kyle Turris CLEAN HIT January 31 2012

You're telling me that Turris didnt have this hit in the back of his mind when he decapitated Joe Corvo Saturday night? Even a friggin moron would watch this video and determine that there was at least a hint of calculated retaliation Saturday night and therefore "intent."

Brendan Shanahan will have blood on his hands Tuesday night when the Senators come to the TD Garden, mark my words. I dont like using double negatives, but the Bruins cant NOT do something in this situation. The system put in place to stop thuggery has utterly failed and the Bruins' hands are being forced.

The last thing the NHL wants is for the team with the three toughest dudes in the NHL (according to the NHL Players poll) to go into Tuesdays game blood thirsty. But Brendan Shanahan is giving them no other choice. Stay tuned...

Rays Manager Joe Maddon Wont Ban Alcohol In Clubhouse. Has The Balls To Say "we're not the Boston Red Sox."

When asked today if he would ban alcohol from the Rays clubhouse, manager Joe Maddon said he would not. He went on to say, "we're not the Boston Red Sox."

Thats pretty ballsy coming from a guy who is a known wine aficionado and allegedly has a wine rack in his office (along with inspirational quotes).  Im sure he's walked out of the stadium crooked a few times. The only difference between his clubhouse and the Red Sox 2011 clubhouse is that his doesnt have any rats. Prick.

Mike Aviles Tweeted That He’d Been Traded To Rays. One Problem…Mike Aviles’ Twitter Account Is Fake

Someone posing as Mike Aviles tweeted yesterday that he’d been traded to the Rays. Mike Aviles?  Really? What kind of a weirdo makes a fake Mike Aviles twitter account? I could understand the humor in making a fake Adrian Gonzalez account, building up a following and then announcing that you've been traded, but Mike Aviles?

Aviles had 2,800 followers on twitter, including Masshole Sports, Josh Reddick and Ryan Sweeney (both confirmed). So count me as one of the suckers who fell for it.

So THIS Is The Team Chasing The Bruins In The Northeast Division? HAHA

So this is the team “chasing” the Bruins in the Northeast Division? These are the mighty Senators that all the sports writers in this town are afraid of? Cmon. They looked like friggin amateurs last night. The Bruins brought their A game and made a joke of the Senators.

With the win, the Bruins finished their road trip 3-2-1. Despite their mediocrity, the Bruins are still the #2 seed in the Eastern Conference and five points ahead of the Senators in the Northeast Division (with three games in hand).

Now I understand why the Bruins have been playing so lazily for the past month or so. They knew that if they had played balls-to-the-wall every night they still wouldnt gain any ground on the Rangers in the Eastern Conference and if they simply slept walk through games they wouldnt lose any ground in the Northeast Division. Too bad we cant simulate the rest of the season like you can on videogames.

Yup, Jose Canseco Is Still Has Guns...And Likes To Show Them Off On Twitter

Jose Canseco tweeted a picture of his "launchzone" today. You impressed?

(PHOTO) Tom Brady At The 2000 NFL Combine. Awe, How Cute.

Today is day 4 of the 2012 NFL combine. Remember this pic? Back then, Tom Brady wasnt even a twinkle in Gisele's eye.

So Is Rob Gronkowski The New Spokesman For Fantasies Nightclub?

Tyler Seguin pushes Dunkin Donuts coffee, Dustin Pedroia pushes Sullivan Rob Gronkowski the new spokesman for Fantasies Nightclub? Or is he just going to be there on March 8th, 9th and 10th? Im confused.  I mean, its only fair that he shows up. The ladies need something to look at too.

Or do you think they used his likeness without permission? No, these smut pushers wouldnt do that would they?

(VIDEO) Rob Gronkowski Spikes Puck At Worcester Sharks Game

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to see Rob Gronkowski spike a puck? Wonder no more:

There Are 10 Red Sox Players On Twitter. Who Will Be The First To Tweet Something Controversial?

There are 10 current Red Sox players on twitter (and 3 former players) and not one of them has tweeted anything to get themselves into trouble...yet. Am I being an eternal pessimist thinking that its just a matter of time before one of them posts a picture or says something to piss people off.

If I had to guess who the first would be, I would say Jon Lester. The dude has already tweeted a picture of himself with a dead deer (that he says he shot on Josh Becketts Ranch). I say its just a matter of time before he tweets a picture that will really piss of PETA and turn off Red Sox fans. Stay tuned.

By the way, if you're on twitter and want to follow them, here are links to their twitter pages.  And be sure to tell them that @MassholeSports sent you: Adrian Gonzalez, Cody Ross, Jacoby Ellsbury, Andrew Bailey, Darnell McDonald, Jon Lester, Carl Crawford, David Ortiz, Mike Aviles, and Ryan Sweeney.

Roy Oswalt Would Rather Sit On His Ass Than Play For The Red Sox. What A Douche.

I don’t know why Im taking this so hard, but I am. Roy Oswalt announced yesterday that he wont be signing with anyone right now but will sign somewhere midseason. Um, the dude had an offer on the table from the Red Sox. What a friggin douche.

Oswalt was 9-10 with a 3.69 ERA last season yet he thinks he’s the kings shit. May he rot in hell.

While Us Massholes Are Stuck In New England This February, Randy Moss Is Vacationing With Vince Wilfork In The Bahamas. Lucky bastid.

Well, technically they’re back from vacation, but heres a picture from Randy Moss’ vacation in the Bahamas. Lucky bastid. And yes, that’s Vince Wilfork and with him.

He should have brought one lucky twitter follower with him. Like, oh I don’t know, maybe someone who writes about Boston sports every day and needs a vacation. Maybe someone who is a real Masshole and is sick of this goddamn weather. You listening Randy?

Bruins Make Blues Their Bitch, Score 4 Goals On "Best Goalie In The NHL"

The Bruins were coming of their most devastating loss of the season Sunday against the Wild and seemed hell bent on leaving St. Louis with a win. They scored 4 goals on Brian Elliot, the league leader in goals against average going into the game and gave the Blues their first home loss since December 3rd.

That, my friends is what you call a bitch slap.

Anyone criticizing management for not making a trade during their recent slump needs to calm the frig down. This team will figure it out. And this slump will pass.

Oh yea, and Brad Marchand scored his 20th and 21st goals of the year, matching his career high from last year and now has 42 points on the season, a new career high.

(VIDEO) This Brad Marchand Goal Gave Me A Pants Tent

Watch Brad Marchand pick Kevin Shattenkirk's pocket then go top shelf for his first goal of the night. Bonus, listen to the announcer say "uh oh" as soon as Marchand steals the puck...and if he knows whats coming next. Friggin awesome, kid.

Once Again, Savardstradamus Correctly Predicts Bruins Win

Marc Savard again correctly predicted a Bruins win via twitter. He tweeted this at 6:16pm yesterday:

Remember earlier this season whenever he predicted a win the Bruins would win. When he was silent they would lose. I think the concussion gave him a 6th sense...and it might be back. Sure he got the stars of the game wrong, but he got predicted the win.

(VIDEO) Oh Shit, Kid! Did Adam McQuaid Lose The First Fight Of His Career?

Did we actually see Adam McQuaid lose the first fight of his career? I cant do it. I cant give Crombeen the win. Im calling this one a draw.

Adam McQuaid vs B.J. Crombeen 11/22/2012

Nick Punto Will Wear Nomars #5 Yet Clemens’ #21 Has Been "Unofficially Retired" Since 1996. That’s Bullshit.

No Red Sox player has worn number 21 since Roger Clemens (look it up). The Red Sox have not confirmed that they will someday retire Clemens’ number 21 but lets be realistic, it is "unofficially" retired.

This year, Nick Punto will wear number 5. He will be the second player to wear the number 5 since Nomar Garciaparra left (Rocco Baldelli did in 2009).

Why does Red Sox ownership have such a hard on for Clemens and such a limp dick for Nomar? This is mind blowing.

In Clemens, you have one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the Red Sox and a guy who has become a laughing stock in MLB and in life in general.

Garciaparra has always been a model citizen--a great character guy, never had any off-the-field issues and was not mentioned in the Mitchell Report (like Clemens was) nor has Garciaparra ever been questioned by Congress. The dude deserves the respect of having his number 5 officially "unofficially" retired the way Clemens' is.

This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

Terry Francona Called Manny Ramirez “the worst human being I've ever met." But How Do You Really Feel Tito?

From 11/30/2011:

I cant wait to watch the first time the Oakland A's are on Sunday Night Baseball. Its going to be some good shit.

Lester, Beckett and Buchholz Have Been “Separated” For Rest Of Spring Training. How Friggin Embarrassing.

Remember sitting next to that kid in middle school. You know, the kid who had behavioral problems and was always getting into trouble. Remember how he would get you in trouble too yet when the teacher separated the two of you, the problems would magically go away?

Well, new Red Sox pitching coach Bob McClure’s has “separated” Lester, Buchholz and Beckett for the rest of spring training.

From YahooSports:
Rather than put the Red Sox’s best pitchers together in a group like Francona did, the new manager went along with pitching coach Bob McClure’s plan to separate Jon Lester, Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz – for leadership reasons, Valentine said. Or perhaps so they can witness the hunger in young players who still take pitchers’ fielding practice seriously.

For leadership reasons? What the frig does that even mean? Lets be serious, they're being separated because one of them has contagious bad habits. Bobby Valentine and new pitching coach Bob McClure have no other choice but to treat these "professional athletes" like middle schoolers in order to get them to take their jobs seriously...and thats friggin sad.

(PHOTO) Why The Hell Is Chris Carpenter Still Trending On Twitter?

This is the Chris Carpenter the Red Sox got from the Cubs for Theo Epstein.

Not this one.

There is absolutely no reason why Chris Carpenter should STILL be trending on twitter.