Happy New Year, Massholes!

REPORT: Josh McDaniels Shoots Down Rumors, Says He Will "Remain In New England." Thats Friggin Awesome.

Despite the bullshit reports that Josh McDaniels would " jump at the chance to coach the Browns," Adam Schefter is reporting that Josh McDaniels has notified teams that he will "remain in New England" and wont be interviewing for vacant head coaching positions.

I understand that most offensive coordinators dream of getting a head coaching job in the NFL, but seriously why the frig would Josh McDaniels leave New England anyway? It hasnt been stated publically, but we all know he is basically the heir apparent when Bill Belichick retires.

And if the Patriots offense keeps beating the shit out of the rest of the NFL with him as the offensive coordinator, people will have no problem with him taking over some day.  If he jumps ship and shits the bed as a head coach again, I gaurentee the welcome wont be so warm.

He is a smart dude.

NHLPA Released A Happy Holidays Video With Tim Thomas In It. I Shit You Not.

The NHLPA posted this video on youtube last week. I have only one question: how the frig did they get Tim Thomas to come out of hiding? I feel like Im looking at a ghost (0:28 second mark).

NHL Lockout Update Of The Day: Gary Bettman Is A Dipshit

Via @RealKyper

Are you really surprised though?  The NHL is being run by a shitty businessman who has his head shoved so far up his own ass he has lost all sense of right and wrong...and all common sense for that matter.

What A Way To End The Regular Season

Sure, it was against the Dolphins and sure the Dolphins looked like they just didnt give a shit at times. But 28-0 is 28-0 and a win is a win.

Thanks to the Texans pissing all over themselves in Indianapolis, the Patriots finished with the #2 overall seed in the AFC and can sit on their asses next week.

They will host either the Ravens, Colts or Texans. Remember, the Patriots blew out the Texans 42-14 and absolutely bitch slapped the Colts 59-24. They lost to the Ravens 31-30 but thats only because the replacement refs called last second field goal good...when it really wasnt.

So in summary, I like the Patriots chances of making the Super Bowl. That doesnt make me a homer or a Brady ball washer.  The facts are the facts.

And I dont want to hear the shit-for-brains Peyton Manning lovers tell me that the Broncos are a "scary" team.  Sure they ended the season with a cute 11 game winning streak but lets be serious, their schedule was as soft as baby shit.  The only half decent team they beat was the Bengals.

And do you remember who the last team to beat the Broncos was? Yea, the Patriots.  So in reality, even though the Patriots finished as the #2 seed in the AFC, they are really the best team. No argument, no debate.

Anyway, it was nice to see Gronk shake off some of the rust, it sucked seeing Rob Ninkovich go down with the hip injury and it was friggin awesome seeing the Patriots bitch slap one more team before starting their playoff run.

The Game Summary...From A Masshole's Perspective.

Wow, It Sucks To Be A Giants Fan Right Now Huh?

That means we dont have to hear those arrogant pricks talking about how the Patriots are just going to lose to the Giants anyway...and all that other bullshit.

They have no choice but to sit down and shut the fuck up. The Giants arent in the playoffs and the Patriots are. Suck it Giants fans, suck it hard.

The Broncos Were 11-1 In Their Last 12 Games. Here Is Their Schedule In That Span.

I mean, does this team really scare you?  Their schedule over the last 11 games was as soft as babies shit.  People are really drooling over this team?  They havent played a real team in friggin months

I really, really hope the Patriots play them in the AFC Championship game.  I dont give a shit that it will be in Denver and I guarantee Tom Brady doesnt give a shit either.  If the Broncos make it out of the divisional round, and Im not even confident that they will, Peyton Manning will be shitting his pants at the thought of playing Tom Brady and the Patriots in an AFC Championship game. 

The Patriots beat them back when their secondary absolutely sucked.  Just imagine what kind of bitch slapping this Patriots team would lay them.  I have a pants tent just thinking about it.

Patriots Fan Of The Game

Keys To The Pariots Dolphins Game, From A Masshole's Perspective

Its Official. The Dolphins Will Be Up Shits Creek On Sunday.

I dont care that its in a limited role. This is a clear indication that Bill Belichick will be using this Sundays game to do a little fine tuning before the playoffs and will have this team going balls to the wall.  The poor Dolphins.  The poor, poor Dolphins. They are going to feel the full wrath of Belichickian Rule....and its going to be friggin awesome.

A Patriots Win Today Is About As Certain As Death And Taxes, But Here Is My Pre Game Analysis Anyway.

I know I said that I was humbled after the Patriots shitty performance last week against the Jaguars, but I really cant help myself.  We're talking about the Miami friggin Dolphins.

So, the question is will the Patriots go balls to the wall and “run up the score” or will Belichick rest guys once the game gets out of hand?

I know Belichicks balls. I know them very well. Lets be serious, this is the last chance for this team to beat the shit out of someone and get some momentum going into the playoffs.  You know he is going to treat this like a hard practice and we will see the Patriots work on a lot of shit that they have been doing wrong.  So I am fully expecting to see a balls to the wall effort and a round house kick to the jugular on Sunday.

You know whats hilarious?  The Dolphins are most likely going to bend over and take it.   I mean, the weather is going to suck and it’s the last game of the season. Why the frig should the Dolphins even bother?  The only thing they have going for them is the fact that Reggie Bush is 40 yards from 1000 total rushing yards on the season. Other than that, this is going to be like the last day of school for them--you just show up and wait for it to be over.

Sure, if the Texans win then the Patriots dont have a shot at the #2 seed and a first round bye.  But that’s a moot point. Belichick will have these guys playing hard to fine tune the shit that hasnt been working as of late regardless of the outcome of the Texans game.

So watch for the Patriots to come out guns blazing early, watch for Steven Ridley to get the ball a ton to work on his butterfingers and watch for Brady to throw the ball all over the field, getting everyone involved.

Im not going to throw a bunch of stats out there because, lets be serious, it really doesn’t matter.  A Patriots win on Sunday is as certain as death and taxes.  Lets just enjoy the impending bitch slap and hope we don’t see any freak injuries.

Your "No Shit Sherlock" Picks For Week 17

This Sounds About Right

Dolphins Fan Of The Year

If Im Gisele, Im nervous right now.  This lady has "home wrecker" written all over her.

Today Is Ray Bourques Birthday

Tyler Seguin's Time In Switzerland Is Over And It Appears To Have Been A Success

REPORT: NHL Owners Say Canceling Season Is “Not An Acceptable Option,” Have Made New Offer To NHLPA

The NHL has reportedly made a new offer to the NHLPA that includes some key concessions.  The owners are willing to budge on some of the issues that they previously said they werent willing to budge on.

Why the change of heart?  Well, according to the Ottawa Sun’s Bruce Garrioch, NHL owners have told Gary Bettman that, "cancelling the season is not an acceptable option."

So it looks like the NHLPA has the owners by the balls.  With that statement, all the owners leverage is now gone.  Now the question is, will Jeremy Jacobs continue to be the wicked ball buster that he's been throughout these "negotiations?"  Will he finally listen to the other owners in his billionaire boys club?

A part of me thinks that no matter what the other owners want, he will just continue to be the ruthless, cold hearted, brash prick that he's always been.  But thats just me.

According to HockeyBuzz.com, the NHL made the offer Thursday and may meet today.  Stay tuned...

This Bobby Orr Blackhawks Pinball Machine Is So Friggin Wrong

Bobby Orr played a total of 26 games for the Chicago Blackhawks yet someone had the balls to make a a pinball machine with him in a Blackhawks jersey.  And to add insult to injury, the graphic is of Bobby Orr shooting right.  If they didnt have their head so far up their ass, they would know that he shot left.

Anyway, whoever made this owes the city of Boston an apology.  Im not talking about a half assed "Im sorry." Im talking about a full page ad in the newspaper type apology.  You didnt deserve him for 26 games and you dont deserve to have him on your friggin pinball machine.

Malcolm Subban Is The Starting Goalie For Team Canada At The World Junior Championship And He Made A Pissa Save The Other Night

If you didnt know, Malcolm Subban is the starting goalie for Team Canada at the World Junior Championships. And the other night against Germany, he did this:

VIDEO: Compilation Of Sports Personalities Swearing On Live TV (2012)

You wont hear all 7 dirty words, but you'll hear plenty of shit, piss, fuck and motherfucker. Enjoy:

Dwyane Wade Got Suspended 1 Game For Kicking Ramon Sessions In The Balls The Other Night. Here's The Video Of The Douchebaggery.

I find it incredibly ironic that someone who has a twat would kick someone in the balls. Anyway, here's the video.

Its Funny Because Its True

Im over the fact that the people at ESPN, Sports Illustrated, CBS Sports, Pro Football Talk, Yahoo Sports, etc all have a man crush on Peyton Manning. I mean, Im not going to get into a bitching match about how the numbers say that Tom Brady is better and the fact that the Patriots beat the Broncos this season. Im over all that. Now its time to just make fun of them.

Mocking them is the only way to further prove my point that Peyton Manning and his soft as baby's shit 10 game winning streak dont deserve the attention they are getting.  Its just a joke.  One big, fat, moronic joke at this point.

What does piss me off is the fact that the majority of people in this country listen to the ball washing and actually believe that Peyton Manning is better than Brady.  Ive seen the polls and I saw the Pro Bowl voting numbers.  We're talking about a mass brain washing and it makes me sick to my stomach.

VIDEO: Patrick Kane Uses Rapid Deke Move To Make Cory Schneider Look Like A Pee Wee Hockey Goalie In Shootout In Switzerland

So apparently Cory Schneider has never heard of a poke check. This is friggin embarrassing.

I Hate The Canadiens As Much As The Next Guy, But You Must Admit This Is Pretty Cool

From MontrealGazette:
It began, as many things do in this social-media age, with someone thinking aloud on his Twitter account.  “Where is the best outdoor rink in mtl for a pick up game?? And who’s all coming??” Josh Gorges tweeted last Saturday. An estimated 50 skaters, from small fry wearing caged helmets to teenagers and those older still, turned up for some crowded-rink shinny that saw Gorges on the ice from shortly before 2 p.m" 

How friggin awesome is that?  I mean, I hate the Canadiens as much as the next guy but you must admit, thats pretty cool.

Imagine Andrew Ference asking his twitter followers to play a pick up game of hockey at LoConte Rink in Medford?  Or Tim Thomas announcing on Facebook that he is coming out from his bunker in Colorado to play a pick up game with a bunch of Massholes at Porrazzo rink in Eastie?  That would be friggin awesome.

Its nice to see a player doing something to ease the pain hockey fans are feeling due to this goddamn lockout.  Its nice to know players actually give a shit.  Gary Bettman should take note.

JD Drew Says His Brother Stephen Is "His Own Person And His Own Player. This Just In: Stephen Will Wear #7...Just Like JD Before Him.

JD Drew was one of the most apathetic, fragile, unmotivated players this town has ever seen. The fact that he "earned" $70 million while here and that Theo Epstein had a 5 year erection for this dude made him even harder to like.

Anyway, so when the Red Sox signed Stephen Drew , JD made it a point to say that his brother "is his own player and his own person."  Seemed like a preemptive strike against the impending criticism.

Well, Stephen didnt do himself any favors distancing himself from his brother when he chose his number. Stephen Drew will wear #7.  So, every time we see Drew in a Red Sox uniform, we can be reminded that he is from the same gene pool that brought us JD...the dude who didnt seem to give two shits about baseball and who watched Jacoby Ellsbury steal home and didnt even take the bat off his shoulder.

A part of me thinks Stephen chose that number just to bust balls.  He cant be that distanced from reality...can he?

REPORT: Colts Wont Rest Starters Against Texans This Sunday. If Texans Shit The Bed And Patriots Do Their Job, We're Looking At A 1st Round Bye.

From UltimateTexans:
The Colts will not rest their starters against the Texans in Indianapolis. The Texans can earn the top seed with a win on Sunday. A loss could knock them down to the third seed. The Colts, meanwhile, at 10-5 will be the fifth seed in the AFC whether they win or lose against the Texans. But they’re looking forward to keeping their momentum going. 
So the Patriots will be playing the 7-8 Miami Dolphins this week.  I'm not making any predictions because, as we learned last weekend, there is the possibility that the Patriots may get limp dick against a weak opponent.

But seriously, if the Patriots do their job, there is a good chance they will get a first round bye.  Colts head coach Chuck Pagano has announced that he will not rest his starters this Sunday against the Texans and we all know the Texans have a tendency to shit the bed in big games--see the the Patriots game earlier this season, which was labelled "the biggest game in Texans history."

There is no reason to think the Texans wont crumble like a bunch of scared bitches this Sunday.  Hell, just hearing that the Colts wont rest starters probably has them losing sleep.

And I thought the Patriots 4:25 start was going to mean sitting around the house doing chores all day.  We actually have a 1 o'clock game worth watching this Sunday.

Joel Hanrahan's Entrance Song Was Listed As AOL's "Top Metal Song Of The Decade (00's).” Someone Has To Have A Long Talk With This Dude.

If you live under a rock and dont know, the Red Sox have officially traded for Pirates all star closer Joel Hanrahan.  They finally have themselves a closer....but thats another story for another day.

Joel Hanrahan's entrance music is Before I Forget by Slipknot.  Yes, Slipknot.  That song came out in 2004 and according to Wikipedia, "was listed as AOL's top metal song of the decade."

Im sorry, but when your entrance song is getting accolades from AOL, its time to change it.  The video has dudes with hair down to their asses banging their heads and a double base drum set (see below).

I dont have a problem with metal, but a Slipknot song from 2004?  Cmon.  I may have to make it my personal mission to get Hanrahan to change his song.  He's on twitter (@hanrahan52).  Feel free to tweet him some suggestions, Massholes. 

Okay, Brandon Spikes Is A Sick Bastid

This is a real tweet, not photoshopped.  I have no wise assed comment to make about this because I am stunned that a professional athlete would make a joke about giving Santa cocaine.  To be honest, it kinda pisses me off.

I mean, he could have said a gallon of coffee or a six pack of Red Bull.  But nope, he had to go to there.  He had to say "a big fat rail of coke."  Anytime I hear a professional athlete say stupid shit on twitter I think to myself, would Tom Brady say that?  Nope.