Roger Clemens May Or May Not Have Been Hired To Appear At Some Lady's Birthday Party This Past Weekend. How Friggin Pathetic Is His Life?

From BustedCoverage:
What was Roger Clemens up to this weekend? Oh, not much besides singing Wild Cherry’s classic “Play that funky music” at a party Saturday night in Houston. What kind of party was this? We’ll let @NickyGNYC explain the situation.

"I’m in Houston at a friends bday party Clemens was a birthday present from one of his friends! Great night man he hung out for 2 1/2 hours!"

I hope that means what it sounds like it means: Roger was hired to hang at a birthday party at Houston’s Hotel Derek.

Now I understand why Roger Clemens is so desperate to get into the Hall of Fame.  If he doesnt clear his name and get in, his life going forward is basically going to be a series of pathetic appearances at stupid birthday parties and weddings.

If he does get into the Hall of Fame, at least he can make appearances at card shows and other baseball related events and walk off into the sunset with some dignity.

NESN Is Getting Kinda Ballsy With Their Ads, Huh?

This is a real ad on right now.

It seems like the line between mainstream media and the alternative/underground media is blurring more and more each day. This is the kind of wise ass graphic Id make. But NESN? Im surprised.

Terry Francona Is Pissa. When Asked About The Indians Success In September, He Made A Fried Chicken And Beer Joke.


Terry Francona is such a smart the good way.  I can understand why players like playing for this guy.

VIDEO: Chris Collinsworth Thinks Aaron Hernandez Never Existed, Says Belichick Brings In Troubled Players And Has Never Had "One Ounce Of A Problem." I Shit You Not.

I dont know if this guy had a brain fart or if he intentionally ignored the Aaron Hernandez mess. Either way, he made an ass of himself on national tv.

FINAL: Patriots 30 Falcons 23

The Patriots scored 30 points and beat the Falcons on the road.  Damn.  I guess it didnt matter that Gronk was out.

I give the Falcons credit. The Patriots led 30-13 at one point and in the end, they came within one touchdown of tying the game. But with 36 seconds left in the game, “Matty Ice” couldn’t live up to his bullshit nickname and had his endzone pass to Roddy White broken up by Aqib Talib.  Seriously, it must suck to be the Falcons today. They are now 1-3.

And anyone calling the Patriots 4-0 record a "weak 4-0" is an asshole. Yes, they beat three borderline NFL teams in the Bills, Jets and Buccaneers, but they’ve now also beaten a team that played in the NFC Championship game last year.  That counts for something.

Going forward, any asshole who diminishes what the Patriots have done this season deserves to be slapped in the face.  They are 4-0 with no Danny Amendola, no Rob Gronkowski, no Aaron Hernandez and with a bunch of nobodies on their roster.

When I say nobodies, I mean nobodies.  Michael Buchanan and Joe Vellano each had big sacks for this team last night. Some guy named Matthew Mulligan had a touchdown. I checked, Matthew Mulligan is owned by 0% of fantasy owners….and he had a touchdown last night for the Patriots.

I pay attention to the Patriots as much as the next guy and I admit, I had no friggin idea there were guys named Buchanan, Vellano and Mulligan on this team.  None.  The fact that they are getting these kinds of results with these types of guys is friggin scary.

Im not taking away what this defense has accomplished.  I mean, Aqib Talib is easily the best cornerback in the NFL right now, he has four interceptions and is a huge part of their success.  But the story of the 2013 Patriots is the fact that Tom Brady is throwing to a bunch of guys that Bill Belichick basically picked up off the friggin Malden Center platform on the Orange Line and are 4-0.

Kenbrell Thompkins, an undrafted free agent, had more yards last night (127) than Julio Jones (108).  Let that sink in for a second.  That alone tells you how scary this team is.  They shut down the opposing teams most dangerous weapon and their rookie wide receiver had a better night than him. The Falcons were supposed to be the first "test" for the Patriots.  Consider how things turned out, the rest of the NFL must be scared shitless right now.  

Anyway, this is only the third time in the history of the franchise that the Patriots have started the season 4-0.  The other two times were 2004 and 2007....and they made the Super Bowl each of those years.  Im not implying anything--I dont want to be called the friggin jinx.  Im just stating the facts.

I Dont Mean To Piss On Your Monday, But...

It wasn’t good to see Vince Wilfork limp off the field in the first half of the Patriots’ win over Atlanta, and the news is about as bad as it could be for New England: according to a league source, the veteran tore his right Achilles’ tendon.

The Patriots announced that Wilfork had an ankle injury during the game, and he was spotted leaving the Georgia Dome after the game with his lower leg in a walking boot.

Wilfork will more than likely be placed on season-ending injured reserve.

This has to be the friggin strangest Patriots seasons I can ever remember.  One of their star tight ends is in jail, Rob Gronkowski is reportedly ready to play but his dad wont let him, the Patriots reached out to Brandon Llyod but he is making zombie movies and now Vince Wilfork is done for the season.

Anyone who says they could have predicted any of this is full of shit.

Kenbrell Thompkins Is Pissa.

In Honor Of Matthew Mulligan Getting His First TD With The Patriots Last Night, Here Is His Career Highlight Reel. Enjoy.

That's it.  That's his career highlight reel.  Seriously, who the frig is Matthew Mulligan?

Because He Deserves It...

Remember These Guys?

As a Masshole, I have a moral obligation to call these guys out for the know-it-all, bullshit artists they are.

Its just so Goddamn frustrating when you know you're right and the world is against you.

There was absolutely no reason to pick the Falcons to win that game.  They are easily the most overrated team in the NFL this season and in their three games leading up to the Patriots game, they showed us nothing.

The Falcons had two losses coming into this game for Christ's sake.  The Patriots, even though they were playing weak competition, were undefeated and their defense had been making mediocre quarterbacks look like shit.  There was no reason to think Aqib Talib, the best cornerback in the NFL right now, couldnt shut down Julio Jones, thus crippling that Falcons offense.  I saw that coming from a mile away.

And the Falcons were giving up an average of 27 points coming into this game.  With their weak secondary and Kenbrell Thompkins coming off a two touchdown game, a moron could have predicted that the Patriots were going to score at least 30 points and that Thompkins was going to be the centerpiece of it all (he was targeted a team high 11 times and had 127 yard and a touchdown).

ESPN embarrasses themselves by making these know-it-all "experts" pick games they have no business picking.

Julien Edelman Is The Balls

Julien Edelman posted this on his Facebook page with the caption, "DVR Breaking Bad."  And I cannot disagree.

via Edelman

If you dont know what Im  talking about, the series finale of Breaking Bad is on tonight at 9:00. 

I Cannot Friggin Wait For 8:30!!!

Patriots Falcons Keys To The Game

For the record, my official prediction is: Patriots 34  Falcons 10.

Seriously, Is It 8:30 Yet?

I Dont Mean To Piss On Your Sunday, But...


I have no friggin idea what to make of this. I mean, since when does a players dad dictate when he goes to work and when he stays home.  My mind is blown.

And I dont mean to take a steaming shit on your day, but it gets worse.


11 Out Of The 13 Assholes...I Mean "Experts" At ESPN Are Picking The Falcons Over The Patriots. What The Hell Is Wrong With These People?

The Falcons are easily the most overrated team in the NFL this season.  The numbers say they are a middle of the pack team at best, yet these assholes at ESPN think they are actually are going to beat the Patriots.

The Patriots are allowing an average of 11.3 points a game while the Falcons are allowing an average of 27 points per game, yes more than twice the amount of the Patriots.  On top of that simple logic, the Falcons are playing at home and are only 1.5 point favorites. Typically, the home team is given at least 3 points just because they are playing at home. The fact that they arent even 3 point favorites means even Vegas knows they are a bullshit team this year.

I understand that "anything can happen," but simple logic says the Patriots will most likely win this game.  Besides the logic, you have to consider the fact that the Falcons have a weak secondary and the fact that their best receiver, Julio Jones, will most likely be covered by Aqib Talib, arguably the best cornerback in the NFL this season.

So, Matt Ryan will be throwing all day to a hobbled Roddy White (bum ankle) and an ancient tight end in Tony Gonzalez (the dude is 37 friggin years old).  There is a reason the Falcons are 1-2 this season.

It's pretty obvious, to anyone who doesnt have a blind hatred for the Patriots anyway, that they should be the easy pick to win this game.

FINAL: Red Sox 12 Orioles 3

The Red Sox won by nine friggin runs. Its nice to see this team isnt slowing down or taking nights off going into the playoffs.

David Ortiz reached the 30 home run mark for the seventh time as a member of the Red Sox. The only person to have more 30 home run seasons was Ted Williams (he had eight). Ortiz is friggin pissa.

For the first time since coming off the disabled list, Clay Buchholz actually pitched into the 7th innings. He allowed seven hits and three earned runs in his seven innings pitched.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia hit his 40th double, setting the Red Sox single season record for most doubles by a catcher. Jason Varitek and Carlton Fisk held the previous record of 39.

That is the second Red Sox record Saltalamacchia has broken.  He also holds the Red Sox record for the longest name in Red Sox history.  The day he joined the Red Sox, he beat Yastrzemski and Garciaparra, who each have 11.

Anyway, the Red Sox are now guaranteed to finish the season with at least a tie for the best record in the AL, which means they have home field advantage for the ALDS.

VIDEO: Don Orsillo Says He’s Never Heard Of The Cabbage Patch Dance So Mike Timlin Proceeds To Teach Him How To Do It.

Don Orsillo has never done the running man and has never even heard of the cabbage patch. He is such a dork....but he's our dork. On a side note, I didnt realize Mike Timlin was so hip.

Your Red Sox Fan Sign Of The Night

Bill Belichick Wont Reveal Whether Or Not Rob Gronkowski Will Play On Sunday So Reporters Are Stalking His Luggage For Clues. You Cant Make This Shit Up.

Im not sure if this makes Jeff Howe and Shalise Young good reporters or creepy as hell.  Seriously, Bill Belichick is probably laughing his ass off somewhere and thinking, "Im such a ball buster."

REPORT: Tim Thomas Has Officially Signed A One Year Contract With The Florida Panthers

According to, Tim Thomas has signed a one year contract with the Florida Panthers.

VIDEO: Here Is Loui Eriksson's OT Goal From Last Night. Im Not Ready To Chant "Thank You Seguin" But You Must Admit, It Was A Friggin Sweet Goal.

Loui Eriksson has soft hands, good puck control, speed and he can shoot the puck.  Im not going to start chanting "Thank You Seguin" anytime soon, but you must admit the guy is pretty good.

EA Sports Simulator Has The Penguins Going To The Stanley Cup Finals Despite The Fact That One Of Their Goalies Is Seeing A Psychologist And The Other Just Had Hip Surgery. Their Hard On For Crosby Is Off The Charts.

The puck is almost ready to drop on the latest NHL season and the EA SPORTS NHL team is keeping tradition alive with another season simulation.  After treating fans to two Original Six match-ups in the first round of playoff action, it was business as usual for the Eastern Conference powerhouse Pittsburgh Penguins and Boston Bruins. 

Dispensing of the Canadiens and Capitals respectively in the second round, Boston and Pittsburgh met in the conference finals for a second straight year with Sid the Kid and the Pens moving through to the Finals.

So, the Penguins are going to beat the Bruins in the Eastern Conference Finals and play the Blues fo the Stanley Cup.  Didnt we just go through this bullshit?

I cannot believe how many people are ignoring the fact that the Bruins just swept the Penguins in the Eastern Conference Finals last season. Its like it never happened.

Anyone who thinks the Penguins are magically going to beat the Bruins this time is time around is an idiot.  Not only did the Bruins get better this offseason with the acquisitions of Loui Eriksson and Jarome Iginla, but the Penguins got worse.

They lost Jarome Iginla, their goalie, Tomas Voukoun, is out indefinitely recovering from hip surgery and their other goalie Marc-Andre Fluery is so fucked up in the head that he has reportedly been seeing a sports psychologist.

To ignore the fact that the Penguins literally dont have a goalie and pick them to make the Stanley Cup Final just because they have Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin is idiotic.  I cannot believe some people's hard-ons for Sidney Crosby are really THAT stiff.

VIDEO: That Aqib Talib Interception Vs The Buccaneers Wasnt A Result Of Josh Freeman Sucking, It Was A Designed Play And Proves How Friggin Awesome Talib Really Is.

A lot of people are saying that Josh Freeman sucks and that why he had such a poor game against the Patriots. Well, we may have proof that the Patriots defense had a lot more to do with his sucktitude than you think.

Watch Bill Belichick break down the Aqib Talib interception last week and basically explain how friggin awesome Talib is.

(click here to watch the video, the NFL is docuchey with their videos and wont let me post it here).

REPORT: Bobby Valentine Wont Be Hired As A Studio Analyst For TBS. Thank God.

Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine lost out on a gig as a studio analyst with TBS in part because of comments he made about Sept. 11, according to a Newsday report.

Valentine was a candidate for an analyst job during the upcoming MLB playoffs, but recent comments about the conduct of the Yankees organization during the 9/11 attacks on New York city reportedly helped cost him the job. Valentine was manager of the New York Mets at the time.

“You couldn't find a Yankee on the streets of New York City,’’ Valentine said on WFAN radio. “You couldn't find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7."

It turns out Bobby Valentine was full of shit with those comments.  While it may have been true that no Yankee was literally at Ground Zero (while he was there), implying that they didnt do anything was bullshit.  He basically wanted to spew some hatred towards the Yankees and made stuff up.  Im not surprised.

The guy has a knack for spewing unfounded bullshit and pissing people off.  Remember this is the same asshole who called out Kevin Youkilis publicly, saying that he wasnt "physically or emotionally into the game" and turned the 2011 Red Sox into a shit show.  But I digress.

Anyway, so we wont have to hear his annoying Ray Romano / Kermit The Frog voice this fall.  Thank you, TBS, for sparing us the pain and suffering.

FINAL: Red Sox 15 Rockies 5

The 15 runs the Red Sox scored last night was the most any team has scored at Coors Field this season. Thats pissa.

Will Middlebrooks hit a three run home run and a grand slam.  This was the kind of game Ive been looking for out of these guys.  I want to see the Red Sox beat the shit out of their opponents and get some momentum heading into the playoffs.

The A's lost to the Angels, so the Red Sox are ahead of the A's by two games for the best record in the American League with three games left.

Meanwhile, Over In The Bronx

And now pictures of Yankees looking pissed off:

And here's a collage:

So Now Keith Olbermann Is Bragging About Winning A Twitter Fight With Me. What The Hell Is Wrong With This Guy?

via @KeithOlbermann

Seriously, what kind of a grown ass man brags about winning Twitter fights?  Keith Olbermann comes across as a guy who either hasnt been laid in years or has a tiny dick.

Or maybe he's just in a pissy mood because his Yankees have been eliminated from the playoff and wants to feel better about himself, I dont know.  Whatever the case, you must admit that it takes a certain type to carry themselves the way this guy carries himself.

(kudos to fellow Masshole @SammyJHurwitz for asking the question)

How Did Last Nights Braves - Brewers "Brawl" Compare To A Hockey Fight?

I respect Brian McCann for standing up to that punk Carlos Gomez. It took a lot of balls. But if you're going to get in a guys face and stick up for a teammate, throw a friggin punch.

This isnt how you take care of a punk who just humiliated your teammate.

THIS is how you take care of a punk who just humiliated your teammate.

If You Didn’t Know, The Shit May Officially Hit The Fan For The Yankees Tonight

Sidney Crosby Got Humiliated By The Bruins In The Eastern Conference Finals Last Year, Yet He's On The Cover Of SI's NHL Preview Edition. That Is Complete And Utter Bullshit.

I tweaked the cover to make it more true to real life:

Not only is Sidney Crosby on the cover of the Sports Illustrated's NHL Preview edition, the assholes are picking the Penguins to make it to the Stanley Cup Final!!!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!!? 

Last year, in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Bruins not only swept the Penguins but held them to two friggin goals.  There is absolutely no reason to think the Penguins can get past the Bruins this year.  None.

The Penguins beat the Islanders and the Senators on their way to the Eastern Conference Finals.  Thats not exactly an accomplishment.  Then when they finally played a real team, they got their asses handed to them by the Bruins.  The Penguins' status as an "elite" team in the Eastern Conference deserves to be questioned.  No one should be washing their balls right now. 

I mean, when you score two goals in the Eastern Conference Finals and get swept, you're a friggin punchline...not the favorites the following year.

There is no reason to think theyve even recovered psychologically from that ass whipping.  Hell, they have the same coaching staff and same GM as last year, so they will have the taste of that series in their mouths for a long time  That locker room is going to be a friggin mess going forward.  .

And these idiots at Sports Illustrated are picking the Blackhawks to make it out of the West?  That is so friggin lazy of them.  Now they are just trying to sell magazines.  Thats all there is to it.  There is no other explanation for this kind of stupidity and laziness.

Im sorry, but the only people not picking the Bruins as the favorites in the Eastern Conference are people who have their heads firmly planted up their own ass...or in Sidney Crosby's ball bag.  Im still not sure which camp Sports Illustrated falls in to.

REPORT: Josh Freeman Has Been Benched After Shitty Performance Against The Patriots.

On the heels of Sunday's loss to the New England Patriots, Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano told reporters he never considered sitting quarterback Josh Freeman. Now he's changed his mind.

NFL Media Insider Ian Rapoport reported Wednesday that Freeman has been benched in favor of rookie Mike Glennon, according to a source informed of the move.

Off the field, Freeman -- in the final year of his contract -- made headlines earlier this month for missing the team photo because he overslept. Days later, his teammates didn't select him as a team captain for the first time since his rookie campaign.

Im not saying the Patriots defense is the reason Josh Freeman got benched.  This guy was on the verge of being benched anyway.  But you have to give them some credit.

Freeman was 19 for 41 with a quarterback rating of 54.5 on Sunday.  The Patriots secondary, with Devin McCourty now at safety and Aqib Talib at cornerback, has had a habit of making bad quarterbacks look like absolute shit this season.  What theyre doing shouldnt be overlooked just because the competition sucks.  And the fact that Freeman got benched after this game shouldnt be overlooked just because he sucks.

They could have very easily mailed this one in.  They could have shat the bed and given this guy a new life.  But, as things turned out, they didnt.  They showed up and were the final nail in the coffin for this poor bastid.

Hopefully this Sunday, Devin McCourty, Aqib Talib, Chandler Jones, etc will make Matt Ryan look like an asshole and finally get the headlines on Monday morning.  Stay tuned.

FINAL: Rockies 8 Red Sox 3

How the frig did they lose to the Colorado Rockies?  Oh well, shit happens.  Is it the postseason yet?

Did I Really Just Get Into A Pissing Match With Keith Olbermann On Twitter?

(for the record, he questioned my grammar in a previous, unrelated tweet)

So, Keith Olbermann questioned my level of education and accused me of having a low IQ just because I busted his balls a little bit.  Thanks for fulfilling the stereotype that most New Yorkers are assholes, Mr. Olbermann.

This guy is nothing more than a high society douchebag with a holier-than-thou attitude.  And he's  just another example of how friggin annoying Yankees fans are.  As soon as they begin to suck, these douches claim they were never fans to begin with...further proving that Yankees fans are terrible fans and are bad for baseball.

When the Yankees are winning, this dude sits in his expensive seats and tweets pictures of celebrities sitting next to him.  When they suck, he identifies himself as a "customer" who gives his tickets to charity.  The guy really is a prick.

I just wish the dude had the balls to own up to the fact that he abandoned his team.  I guarantee if the Yankees werent a borderline Wild Card team, this blowhard would be washing their balls nightly and sticking up for them on Twitter.  And if my aunt had a dick she'd be my uncle.

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The Red Sox Are Playing In Colorado Tonight. That Place Will Always Be Special To Me Because Its Where The Red Sox Finished Off One Of Their Most Epic Bitch Slaps Of All Time.

Remember, the Rockies had won 21 of their last 22 regular season games in 2007.  They then swept the Phillies in the NLDS and the Diamondbacks in the NLCS.  And then the Red Sox friggin steamrolled them in four games.

You must admit, sweeping the Rockies after what they had just accomplished was an epic bitch slap.  So, in honor of the Red Sox returning to the scene, here is Game 4 of the 2007 World Series, in its entirety...for old time's sake (the final out happens at the 2:41 mark and the trophy presentation begins at the 2:43 mark).

Its Nice To See 42% Of This Country Does Not Have Their Head Up Their Ass.

via SportsNation

This poll may have just restored my faith in humanity.  I mean, technically speaking 61% of the country thinks the Red Sox will at least make it to the World Series.  The rest of the country has finally caught on to what Ive known all season:  the Red Sox are the best team in baseball.  And that is pissa.

And People Thought Jonny Gomes Crossed The Line When He Kicked A Can Of Beer Into The Crowd When The Red Sox Clinched? Look At This Bullshit.


This is not photoshopped. This is a baby with a friggin bottle of beer in its mouth after the A's clinched the AL West.  What the fuck is wrong with people?

VIDEO: Maple Leafs Fans Rip Down Mural Of Bruins Game 7 Comeback. I Guess They're Still A Little Butthurt, Huh?

Maple Leafs fans are real pricks.  First there was the douchebag with the "Toronto Stronger" sign, now this.

Sure, Bruins fans are passionate and we talk a lot of shit but we dont trash bars in other cities and we dont belittle tragedies.  Basically, we know the difference between being a fan and being an asshole.  These guys are just assholes.  And the guy with the Toronto Stronger sign was the biggest asshole of them all.

Im sure their crack smoking mayor is real proud of these douchebags (if you dont know what Im talking about, click here to read more about their mayor's crack habit).

Your Tweet Of The Day

via @TeamUehara

No one parties like Koji Uehara. No one.

What A Difference A Week Makes

FINAL: Patriots 23 Buccaneers 3

Well, it appears the Bucs bent over and took it (if you don’t know what Im talking about, see my keys to the game).

But seriously, it doesn’t matter if you play real teams or a bunch of stiffs, 3-0 is 3-0. Thankfully the schedule called for the Patriots to play three teams that are borderline NFL teams right out of the gate. And Im fine with that.

Im not taking anything away from the Patriots defense, but the Buccaneers are a friggin joke. My official prediction for this game was 21-0 and they exceeded my expectations, scoring three points.  That being said, the Patriots haven’t allowed a touchdown in five quarters of football and that is damn impressive. For the season, they have only allowed three touchdowns total. It doesn’t matter the opponent, they deserve to have their balls washed.

Bucs running back Doug Martin ran for 144 yards last week. The Patriots held him to just 88 yards on Sunday. And Aqib Talib was pissa, covering Vincent Jackson for most of the game and holding him to three catches and only 34 yards. He also had an interception. He now has three on the season in three games.

So much for that shithead Darrelle Revis. “Revis Island” has zero interceptions on the season and his team is 0-3. The stats don’t like: the dude sucks and he is a loser.

It was nice to see Kenbrell Thompkins and Aaron Dobson finally settling in and getting comfortable with Brady. They had a combined 10 catches, 93 yards and two touchdowns. I still cant believe that this team doesn’t have Rob Gronkowski or Aaron Hernandez, and no one to fill that void at tight end, and they are still winning.

Seriously, out of his 36 pass attempts, Brady threw to his tight ends four times. That is going to change when Gronkowski gets back.  Im telling you, this offense is going to look completely different.  But I digress.

Anyway, now the Patriots have to start playing real teams. Next week it’s on to Atlants to play the Falcons. But for now, they are 3-0 for the first time in six years and that is friggin awesome considering the bullshit they've been through--Gronkowski out with a broken arm, Amendola out with menstrual cramps, Aaron Hernandez in jail, rookie wide receivers with butter fingers and Wes Welker out in Denver sniffing Peyton Mannings jock.

Anyone who calls this a soft 3-0 is an asshole.

See, Tom Brady Doesnt Just Get Pissed At His Wide Receivers. He Also Gets Pissed At Himself.

Im not the greatest lip reader in the world, but Im pretty sure Brady is saying, "fuck me."  Im going to guess it had something to do with the interception he just threw.  Just a guess.

Your Tweets Of The Day

Well, thats interesting.